Be Aware of the COMPARE…. How Comparing Sucks Your ENOUGH into NOT Enough.
Imagine this: you put on your favorite pair of jeans and man you feel good! They fit just right! You have been eating well and exercising and your hard work has paid off. You head out the door and as ya listen to tunes on your car radio with the sun roof open you just plain feel good about yourself. Then you get to your destination and you turn to the right and you notice someone else who looks great and you start that head chatter. “I wish my thighs looked like that!” “How does she stay so skinny?” “Why can’t I have hair like that?” You turn to the left “Dang that couple looks happy” “Why doesn’t my husband hold my hand in public?” “Look at those kiddos they are so well behaved, I could never take my kids here.” And just like that it is gone…… Those feelings of good enough disappear and you are left feeling anxious, unhappy, and wondering why your life isn’t different. Be aware of the compare.
I never really thought how comparing sucks the joy out of moments and steals my worth until I read Daring Greatly By Brené Brown. I remember when I was pregnant with my youngest and I was preparing for maternity leave. When you are a therapist you place your clients with other therapists while you are out. Talk about vulnerability. The fear chatter was quiet but there was definitely a “What if they don’t come back?” tape playing in my head. I grounded myself and used a DBT skill called “TAKE OUT the TRASH” and reworked that trash thought into a more truthful statement. “Jamie you are doing good work and if they are meant to work with you, they will be back.”
As I returned from maternity leave I began contacting clients and they returned. I will never forget the moment as I was sitting in my chair listening to a client and she was catching me up on where she left off with the previous therapist. We were having an excellent session. I could feel it in my bones and felt confident that we were doing good work. As the session continued she shared that her previous therapist had given her a worksheet. I remember a bit of a buzz in my head as I thought. “Oh my gosh I don’t give out very many worksheets, she had a handout I better get this handout” And there it was, the compare, and I could feel my confidence in the session slip away. I noticed that feeling in my body that happens when I start to compare: a kind of hollow feeling in my stomach and a bit of a racing heart and just a tinge of heat in my body.
Because I was aware of the compare and the signs my body gives me when it starts, I quickly did a fact check. Was I doing good work? If not then maybe I did need some more training or to see the handout. I asked the client at the wind down of session did she get what she needed that day (a typical question I ask at the end for direction on where to go on the next session and to make sure we cover what they need) I checked the facts and based on those facts I could determine what to do. I knew that I had turned my head to the left and compared myself to another therapist and that just wasn’t productive.
In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly she talks about this concept of comparing and how it can steal joy and self-worth. She shared that in a swimming race the fastest way to lose a race is to look into the lane next to you and see where they are. It wastes time. So when comparing shows up (and it will) she tells herself “Stay in your own lane.” I love this concept. Noticing the head turn and comparing our lives to others is the quickest way to leave me feeling not good enough. Please hear me I am not suggesting we don’t self-improve: I am all about the self-improve, but check yourself on the motivation for self-improvement. Are you hustling to be the best, have the best, look the best- as in you want others to see you as good enough? Or are you striving for excellence, meaning this is about me and how I want to show up and live a valued focused life? Answering that question helps guide the next steps. For example, if I am frustrated with my kiddos and I want to learn a new tip or trick to help them and myself then YES go for it. If I am at the park and see a mom with her organic goldfish and her kids are the bomb and I think MY KIDS NEED ORGANIC GOLDFISH ummmmm that is just comparing and honestly it won’t promote real change for myself and I may feel crappy every time my kids don’t eat the organic goldfish. Or if I am watching another couple who work out together and think, “Wow, they must have the perfect marriage, why can’t my husband come to the gym?” mmmm Check the FACTS….. STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE.
Does your marriage need work? Then work on it! Do you need parenting tips because YOU are parenting from a space that doesn’t align with your values? Then sign up for that parenting class or read an awesome parenting book! Are you actually unhappy about your own body or are you turning your head to see how others look? Be aware of where those messages are coming from. Are you leaning into perfectionism or are you striving to be your best self for you? Noticing the compare isn’t easy and it isn’t a -one and done- it is a practice. This week pause and be Aware of the Compare, check those facts, check if it aligns with your values and gently remind yourself to Stay in Your Own Lane. You Got This!
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.