I Lost The Weight But Still Didn’t Feel Good Enough.(The journey of enough part 5)
Let’s talk about weight. How do I start this painful post? Weight has always been a struggle for me. I remember being the “fat” kid. Yes, I used the F word, and it hurt to write it, but that is how I felt. As I sit here writing it, the memories flood me. The kids calling me names in grade school, the time I went to camp and they used my shorts on a “thin person” so she could stuff pillows in them for a comedy skit. As she pranced around the stage making fun of weight I was sinking in shame. Those were my shorts, MY shorts! And one of my most shameful moments: being in high school and being so disgusted with my stomach that I duct taped it in the hope it would look smaller. I remember after several hours of being uncomfortable and the tape moving around that I went to the bathroom to take it off, defeated. Removing that duct tape was so painful, physically and mentally. At that point I knew I wanted something different.
Now don’t get me wrong I had been on “diets” as far back as I remember. I can see my dad standing at the kitchen table saying to my mom. “Well, she can have some popcorn, right?” “Damn right I can have popcorn” I thought. This was when I was about 9 years old. And that was the beginning of the diets. No diet had ever worked. I remember trying not to eat for a few days in middle school (not my best plan). I remember trying to stop eating all sweets or the newest diet pill. One time, around 14, I secretly mailed off for some “amazing” diet pill and hid them in my closet. When my mom found them, she was pissed, and threw them in the garbage. I was so mad! Didn’t she know this was my way to get thin… my way to belonging with others…my way to finally feel loved? I was sure all those doors would open if only I was thin enough. I blamed my weight for everything wrong in my life: if I didn’t get the lead in the school musical, it was because of my weight; if a boy didn’t like me, it was because of my weight; and on, and on, the mind- screw went.
At 19, I joined weight watchers and lost 60 pounds over the course of a year. Finally! Most of the weight was off (cause at this stage of my life I don’t think I could ever be thin enough). But while I lost the weight, I hadn’t done any mind shift about food. So although I kept the weight off, the “not enough” was still there. I had anger around not being able to eat the way I wanted (which was to stuff myself to that uncomfortable space). Anger that the doors I thought would open didn’t. Well damn! I had lost the weight, but I still wasn’t dealing with the underlying issues.
Food has always served so many roles in my life. Food never lets me down. When I heard my parents fighting at night, food was there. When I was lonely, or bored, food was there. When I felt I didn’t fit in because we didn’t have the money for the “name brand shoes or clothes” that other kids were wearing, food was there. When something good happened, yep, you guessed it, food was there. I don’t think I ever ate to nourish my body. I ate to fill the void.
But there was something else. As I reflected over the years about my journey with weight I could see the role food served. But I felt there was something deeper. About a year ago I asked my mom to send me pictures of me growing up and it struck me how clearly my weight began to change after two significant traumas had happened in childhood. As I looked at the pictures I could see where the light was a bit duller in my eyes, and my smile more guarded. It hit me like a sharp pain to my heart. Weight was keeping me safe. It was as if something shifted in my body and brain as I let “little Jamie” know that she was safe and that she no longer needed food or weight to feel the void.
Moving to acceptance
Here we are again. Here is the knowledge I have “gained” (no pun intended, well maybe) over the past 25 years of losing the weight and keeping it off. There are some days that this feels like a consistent battle, and I acknowledge the part of me that needs food for comfort and safety. There are some days that I move through easily. But one thing I know for sure is that this, my friend, is a continual journey for me. The consistent weapons of self-compassion and accepting my imperfections in this battle of self worth.
Let’s Begin
The Balance of All or Nothing Thinking: It would seem I would be in this dance of strict eating keeping within the structure of “the plan,” only to be tempted by something I really wanted. So I would Indulge. And it was awesome! But I couldn’t seem to stop it, and it just sent the wheels in motion to eat EVERYTHING, because “Hey, I blew it,” right? I was in a constant battle between eating everything I wanted or not eating anything I wanted. Once I learned this and shifted from the “all or nothing” thinking, I gained balance.
Recognizing When I Am Using Food to Numb: I had to get real about using food so I don’t have to feel the hard stuff. I was using food to numb. If I had a hard day: I deserved McDonald’s! Kids were particularly difficult? I should pull through DQ! Husband argues with me? Ice cream it is! And the list goes on. The bummer of this was when I did overeat, it only created more shame and pain, which just began the cycle again. I had to learn to sit in my emotions. You have got to be kidding me! This part sucks! But honestly, the feelings move, I get relief and I move forward. So now when I have the urge to eat DQ, I can do it without the shame and guilt because I am not mindlessly eating to numb.
Mindfully Eating: I learned that it is okay to LOVE FOOD! And when I choose to eat something amazing like cheesecake or pizza I eat it like it is my J-O-B, focusing on each bite. In the past, I would quickly eat in the hopes no one would see, leading to feeling unsatisfied and then I would quickly eat another piece, so on and so on. What an endless cycle!
Accepting What I Can’t Change: I had to stop being angry because I couldn’t eat like the “skinny girls.” When I was in high school I would watch my friends eat like I only wished I could eat. I would think how come I can’t do that? This is so unfair! But here is the thing: I was born the way I was born, my body is my body, and no amount of being angry about where my body stores fat or how quickly it latches on to that cheeseburger is going to change a damn thing. I mean, I have four kids, I need to save my energy for things I can actually change.
Exercising To Feel Good Not Because I “Have To:” In the early days of weight loss I exercised because I was driven to be “perfect.” I would hang pictures of magazines all over my house in the hopes it would motivate the next pound off or the next round of exercise, only to feel frustrated as I never achieved the body I wanted (didn’t matter how unrealistic that body I wanted was). Now I exercise because I just feel better when I do it. I am happy my body can exercise and I work towards a more balanced approach (see the “all or nothing thinking above”)
Body Acceptance: The last to go in the “not enough-ness” weight loss journey is body acceptance. I would be full of shit if I didn’t say that this one has by far been one of the hardest pieces of accepting me. This is the first year I didn’t set another ideal weight goal. This year the goal has been accepting my body for my body. For example, I always wear a skirt swimsuit as I feel it gives me the most coverage and allows me to hide. But here is the thing: I hate the way it feels when I swim! It is always so cold, wet and clingy on my body when I get out, and I hate it! This keeps me out of the water, which I love. So this year I made a commitment to buy a swimsuit without the skirt. In order to prepare, I have been walking around honoring my body the past few months. Thanking my stomach for bearing my four beautiful kiddos, thanking my full thighs that make it possible for me to walk, run, and play with my little boys. Noticing my body in all its imperfections as well as noticing the good parts. I started yoga as a way to slow down and honor my body. Over the years I have dishonored my body in all sorts of ways by calling myself hurtful names I would never say to another human being, by starving it, and by dumping in chemicals in it. For goodness sakes, I duct taped my stomach WTF! I added Yoga as part of my weekly self-care routine and this helped me get in touch with my body and view it with kindness.
SELF-COMPASSION: Now I can sit here and tell you all the things I have changed, but I am not perfect, and sometimes I do eat to numb. And sometimes I go off the deep end and find myself eating as if there is no tomorrow, or hurling insults at my body. Self-compassion is the tool I use to say “Oops, you made a mistake, you are still valued and loved.” I talk gentle to myself and get back into balance. Brené Brown and Kristen Neff’s work around self-compassion has been instrumental in my journey of enough.
I am not saying I have the answer to weight loss. For me I had to balance the eating for pure pleasure with nourishing my body. I now know how food served me and work on replacing that with more meaningful things. For example, if I am bored I need to find something to do. If I am lonely I seek someone out, if I am tired (a huge reason I eat), I rest. Feeling stressed (another emotion that sends me heading to the kitchen for comfort), I now notice the emotion and ask myself what I need? Sometimes it is the ice cream, other times a walk, a chat with a friend, practicing gratitude and self-compassion and most recently it is to blog.
My final thought: in the end I had to come to the realization that my weight doesn’t define who I am. I determine my worth.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.