Letting Go of Control (The journey of enough part 6)
A few months ago, I hit the wall. Meaning I was tired, not sleeping well, working too much, running in too many directions and feeling super resentful to those around me. I was feeling like something had to give, I just didn’t know what. I mean I couldn’t actually give tasks away because they wouldn’t be done right which would just cause me more frustrations! If I asked my husband to clean the bathroom, he wouldn’t clean it the way (I liked it clean!). If I asked him to cook dinner, ugghh, he might not cook it the way I wanted it cooked. But I couldn’t shake this feeling of resentment and anger. I had way too many balls in the air and I wasn’t getting the help I needed. I was exhausted and had let go of taking care of myself.
I have had many conversations with the hubby on how he should just knowwhat to do around the house and I shouldn’t have to ask. This is a ridiculous expectation with a thread of passivity running through and it just wasn’t productive. He was willing to help but just didn’t see the same things I saw, like the dust on the furniture, or the dishes in the sink, or the toys scattered from one end of the house to the other. I bumped right into my need to control, and my inability to ask for help. I had to start letting go of control and unrealistic expectations. I needed to lean into asking for help, making time for rest and play, and letting go of comparison. It strikes me as I write this, that even though I practice those things daily, they continue to show up in my life. I was tired of being exhausted and something needed to change. Another universe challenge accepted!
So I gathered up my courage and asked my husband for help. My husband suggested that he plan the menu, grocery shop and take over the meal prep for the week. WHAT! You have got to be kidding me!!! For the past 25 years I have sat down with a note pad and planned out my menu for the week (my husband quickly calculated that was a mere 1,250 weekly menus). It keeps me on track with healthy eating, it helps me stay within a budget, and the last piece I am reluctant to admit is, it gives me a sense of control. I love food and if you have been reading my blog you will remember from last week how food has played a significant role in my life. The thought of not planning out the meals for the week immediately gave me anxiety. I have seen the things my husband can cook. Hot dogs loaded with all the fixings and baked beans on the side. Heavy pasta dishes heaping with meat and cheese. I am not sure he knew how to cook a vegetable. You get the drift. YUM!! And SCARY!!! How would I manage all those “out of control” feelings, especially around food? But, a week off from the every day grind of planning and executing a meal? Tempting… very tempting…
We laid down some ground rules: first, I couldn’t judge if he planned take out one night-so be it; if he didn’t cut the tomatoes the way I thought they should be cut,no judgement; and, if he planned something that I just couldn’t eat, it was okay for me to pass and opt for something else, no resentment from either party. The goal was that the majority of the family was fed. So, I handed over the note pad, which my husband quickly exchanged for a spread sheet (OUCH!). Shit got real, real quick! But I leaned in by breathing and letting go of control. I mean he didn’t even post it on the side of the fridge where I can see it! Didn’t he know that is where it goes? (lean Jamie, lean)
I am sure by now you are curious as to how this all played out. I have to say I was super surprised at all the things that I gained from letting go of control:
What I learned from giving up menu planning for a week.
I relaxed: Do you even realize how tight your body is when you are moving through the week juggling ALL the balls? I noticed my body wasn’t as tight. My neck wasn’t bothering me as much as it typically does. I didn’t have the mental weight. I had never thought about how much mental work goes into planning for a family meal. As I watched my husband scurry about in the morning throwing meat into the crock pot and thinking about what he had forgotten at the grocery store, or wondering if he had taken the chicken out of the freezer, it struck me how freeing it was to let go of control. I didn’t step in and try to fix, and I didn’t judge how he did it. I let it be.
Controlling was keeping me safe but also keeping me a prisoner. I suppose if I had ever allowed myself to slow down I would have realized this point sooner, but by standing back and letting go, I realized how much it did scare me to give up tasks. Coming toe-to-toe with my need to control. I was able to give myself permission to ask for help and face uncertainty.
Communicating my wants and needs led to a braver kinder me. The question I ask over and over: why is it so hard to ask for help? When I drill down I see that I am afraid of rejection and being vulnerable. Fear was keeping me quiet, but damn resentful. If I ask for help and someone says no, I equate that to them not caring about me. So I once again was faced with leaning into vulnerability and in doing so risking that yucky feeling of shame. But hey, I am committed to leading a brave and courageous life, so lean I did!
My hubby is pretty damn capable (when I allow it ). When you are a passive person in recovery, an assertive voice is scary. But waiting for my husband to figure it out set us up for failure over and over again. Now don’t get me wrong, every time I ask for something he doesn’t hop to and say, “Well of course, Jamie!” But we work through it. We give our relationship a fighting chance to figure out each other’s needs and wants.
Letting go of judgment and comparing makes space for others to step up. When I compare and judge, it doesn’t encourage people to want to help or feel safe. For example if I say, “Hey, why would you put that vegetable with that pasta dish?” or “Why aren’t you boiling the noodles first? It will never cook in time.” Who would want to sign on for that job? Was this really where I wanted to put my energy at? Honestly, I didn’t even need to think about it – Absolutely not! When I let go of the comparing and judging I was able to ask for a lot more help, like cleaning the bathroom, which freed up time for me to do the things I like to do, which in turn filled my cup, which in turn helped me be a more generous person. Funny how that works!
It’s okay to not have a plan (sometimes) lol. I like a plan. Period. Plans help me feel safe. In fact, I like a plan, and a second plan if that plan fails (here comes control and certainty again). But when I stepped back that week and repeated to myself “I am letting go of the plan,” my body relaxed, my mind shifted, and I had time to focus on the good. Like sitting with my two little boys and reading stories after work versus running into the kitchen to get the meal ready. I noticed the boys slowed down and weren’t screaming for attention that would leave me feeling frazzled as I tried to whip up the meal. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love a plan, but I will save that for areas of my life were a plan makes sense and leave the small stuff to a more fluid approach.
I was enabling others to not help. I learned my hubby is more than capable even if he doesn’t do it “my way.” It is so funny how we enable people in our life to take a back seat when we hold onto control. When we let go of expectations and focus on what is done and not undone, stress lowers. When I ask for what I want and need and allow that to unfold, it amazes me how quickly others can step up and get it done. The key here is not holding on to “my way.” There are many ways to achieve a goal.
It was eye opening to watch my husband step into my shoes and see him doing the mental work of meal planning and preparation and see him struggle with the same things that I do. It gave me perspective that I couldn’t do this all by myself, and that I don’t have to.
Kind of freeing to let go of control! So take the plunge and let go of something that is bogging you down or that you need a break from. For example: getting the kids dressed in the morning, loading the dishwasher, meal planning, cleaning the bathroom . You know, all the things you think “ONLY YOU” can do.
A friend and colleague came to me one day during this time and said, “Jamie just because you do many things well doesn’t mean you should do them all.” Well now that was some truth tea for sure! PS it worked out so well I let him do the next week too. I mean hey 25 years! This mama needed a break.
If you’re interested in digging deeper into some of the concepts of comparison, judgments and control The Gifts of Imperfection “Letting Go of Who you Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brené Brown is an easy and great family read.
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.