Stop the Anxiety: I Forgot Anger Can Often Be Fear In Disguise….
Anxiety/Fear or whatever the hell you want to call it. You know that tightness in your chest, your heart racing and that irritability that rises into your throat until you want to yell ENOUGH! I never thought of myself as an anxious person. I would say I lean much more in the “not good enough” shame direction. I never really linked my irritability to just plain fear/anxiety. I would write off those feelings of irritability and the loud annoying sounds that seemed to come bombarding into my head like cymbals as just, ya know, hormones. But then this week as I am getting ready to move into my new office location I noted my irritability was at an all time high. I wanted to bite everyone’s head off and I had no tangible reason. I mean other than I have boys who are 3 and 4, and man can they bring both noise and chaos to a day.
I saw myself huffing around the house spoiling for a fight. I began looking at all the things in my house with an evil eye. Like, “How come the toys aren’t picked up?” “Why am I the only one who picks up the clothes off the floor?” “Doesn’t anyone see the mess in the backyard?”
Just last night my husband asked what I wanted to watch. Background info: Friday is low key date night. Meaning we pour a cocktail and watch Grey’s Anatomy . I look forward to it every week. It is a mini date and we just don’t get much time to ourselves. Last night he looked at me and said, “ I am just too tired.” I noticed immediately the anger rise. What the hell doesn’t he know how important this is to me? Now let me pause just for one moment and say this. My husband is the most relaxed, agreeable man I have ever encountered. As we have launched the new business Conscious Healing Counseling he has done countless things and all I needed to do was ask. So, I knew as that anger rose something was going on for me. As I was spoiling for a fight I noticed that I really just wanted a place for all the anxiety/fear I have been feeling over the past few months to zip out of my body and if I could pick a fight –man….. that would release a lot of it.
I forget how sometimes anger is really fear in disguise. I started to get curious about what all this fear is about. The next morning. BAM there is was again. My irritability was just running high. Again, I had to remind myself, “Jamie focus on what is done not what isn’t done.” As I scanned the house looking for the negatives. I went upstairs and knelt on the ground taking slow intentional breathes. I started to repeat. “I am letting go of fear and leaning into love” I tried to clear my mind. I say tried because ummmmm it kept bouncing all over the place to this task and that task. I just kept returning to my breath and the mantra, “ I am letting go of fear and leaning into love.” As I noticed my calm return I re-entered the family and the jumping, running, spilling, fighting and constant needs quickly began again. Each time I noticed myself feeling frustrated I returned to “lean into love Jamie, lean into love” Now please do not get me wrong I was not perfect and there where a few times when I bounced that anxiety/fear onto someone (the hubby). Luckily we had a talk last night about the space I was in and he shared he would hold space for fear and give me some grace as long as mends were appropriately made. I still get an eye roll and a “check yourself before you wreck yourself” look. He isn’t perfect either.
So here is the thing: nothing I did took anxiety/fear away. I mean, starting a new business is fearful and vulnerable. Writing a blog, putting yourself out there, worrying that you might be putting work before your family that is scary fearful stuff. So of course, my body is letting me know I need to pay attention to the things I need to pay attention to. And I am honoring those feelings, naming them, and giving myself some grace for irritability. And when I can slow myself down, and focus on what is done, and lean into love I manage that just a bit better. All the while I am bringing down the intensity of my irritability so I am managing it, and it isn’t managing me.
I go back to that space and remind myself that feelings are there to provide information. Anxiety/fear told me to slow down, focus back on my values and show up the way that is authentic to who I am. (Side note: Earlier in the week my hubby told me to “take a breath” Not so helpful when others tell you to take a breath. I just wanted to punch him. LOL, and because I am working on asking for what I want and need I shared that very thought. As skillfully as I could muster) Cheers to feelings, making space for them, breathing, a bit of grace and leaning into love—- and maybe if it all works out: a night of Greys.
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.