The Journey of Enough… Saying Yes to Me!
The Beginning:
Funny how I am 44 and I can still drift back to a particularly painful “not enough” memory in my life from 27 years ago in zero seconds. The teenage years, I picture my then 17-year-old self with big ass 80’s hair, about 50 pounds over weight, my jeans cuffed on the bottom and feeling just plain not good enough. I can still feel the insecurity of the age and the consistent comparing to my other teenage friends who were cooler, thinner, and smarter.
The one thing I felt good about was the clarity I had on knowing where I was going in life. I had a desire to write, read, and be with people. I put those things together and boom I was going to be an English teacher. One day I entered class confident in the paper I had completed when my teacher (who shall remain nameless- she doesn’t deserve a shout out) handed me back my paper and said, “You will never be an English teacher, you just don’t understand grammar.”
Holy shit! I can’t even remember responding to her; I just remember feeling hot, and my chest hurting. All I could think was that she was right, I wasn’t good enough to be an English teacher. In that moment, I allowed how someone else viewed me to determine my worth, to decide my capability, and to end a dream. I look back and think WTF! And that was it… I hung up the dream and moved on. However, upon further investigation it wasn’t the English teacher that ended the dream, it was my inability to see my worth, to let shame drive my story instead of kicking it to the curb. I believed every shame-filled thought.
The Middle:
After that day, I had the gnawing feeling that I couldn’t write; every time I had to write a report, a newsletter, or a holiday greeting card, I was met with inner talk of “you can’t write, you’re stupid,” and just like that I would go blank and doubt every line. No longer did creativity flow through me as the self-doubt consumed me, I questioned everything I wrote. I went on an endless journey of “fixing myself.” I purchased “Grammar for Dummies” and read everything I wrote from the bottom to the top (a little proofreading tip I picked up somewhere on my journey of PERFECT writing) and reluctantly asked others to proofread my work. Not bad tips, in fact some may say resilient and resourceful, but it was the negative self-talk that wouldn’t go away, that kept me from writing, that whispered in my ear “they will find out you’re stupid if you let others see it.”
The New Beginning:
I am reminded of a phrase my father told me around age 10, “Jamie, Can’t Never Did Anything in His Life.” And there it was: I needed to turn the can’t into can. I had to stop caring what others thought, stop comparing myself to others and just write for me. So today I put a file on my computer titled “Blog OMG.” I am writing for me, saying yes to me. The journey has been long in finding me, loving me, and ending the people-pleasing phase of my life. This is just one story in a multitude of many on the journey of Enough.
If you would like to learn more about shame resilience, peek at Brené Brown’s TED Talk on shame that was a piece of the journey of “Enough” for me.
Here at Conscious Healing Counseling, we provide mental health support for individuals, families, children, teens, & couples.
Our wholehearted, individualized approach facilitates conscious change so you can live an authentic life filled with love and belonging.
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Author: Jamie Mosley
Jamie is board certified Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Certified Daring Way™ Facilitaor in Minnesota. She is passionate about living a wholehearted life. Dr. Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.” She trusts that the wisdom to lead a healthy, joyful life is within each and every one of us and her role is to facilitate you in unlocking your own true wisdom.